"…upon the ceiling, every night, all I could see were 100 squares that held the only source of heat in such a cold and terrifying place…"
100 squares that I never in my life hope to see again
I am not, nor have I ever in my life, been a violent person.
Those that have been around me and those that are close to me know how against violence I am and I will forever be that way,
"…a living nightmare where every hour, I would close my eyes and expect to wake up in my bed realizing it was all just an awful dream…"
I never want to see that room again.
I never want to hear those sounds again.
I never want to have my heart race at the banging of the door,
at the screams of angry men with no freedom in site,
at the dismal food, the clinging of chains, and hopelessness found in that place.
I never in my life wish to ever be there again.
I’ve been so hesitant to talk about it because I don’t want to remember it. Any of it.
The smells, the looks, the anxiety, the depression, the feel of that place is like looking towards death when I see it in the distance.
I don’t want this fear anymore.
I want a normal life. I WANT a family. I want to be back to normal.
All of this, for trying to avoid violence and for trying to walk away.
That experience i would NEVER in my life wish upon anyone.
…why did this happen? why was I sent there? why do i have to fear my own door? Why do i have to fear even walking down the street?
…I understand my mistakes with women in my past with being faithful, but to this level…to the level of imprisonment…to the level of THAT place…
The image of those 100 squares haunts me every night.
I just want all of this to end. I want to be able to progress with my life with no worry.
I just want all of this to end.
The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Yesterday was my son’s 2nd Halloween
All day at work, all of my co-workers, managers, friends…they all asked me ”…so what is your son going to go trick or treating as…”
With a sad and pitiful look on my face, I answered “…I don’t know…”, and I tried to change the subject.
Its sad that it wasn’t until my thoughtful girlfriend was able to find this picture and was able to send it to me…that I was able to know what he was.
When I saw this picture….words can not explain the overwhelming emotions that flooded through me seeing my son, so peaceful and honestly, so beautiful.
These fights are unnecessary, the purpose behind me not being able to spend time with my son, taking him where I want, having him around who i want, the pride, the jealousy, the awful excuse of “the contract”, the excuse of his safety when even he trusts me….how can this be justified and be okay?
I love this kid and I miss him incredibly.
The sinking feeling of seeing all the children around my complex trick or treating and knowing that i’m once again not there with him to see his eyes light up at all the candies and sugar.
I’m a father who is unable to be a father
because of 16 pieces of paper,
a jealous mother,
and a spiteful family.
Once again Eli, know that your daddy loves you and is still working, fighting, and hoping for the best.
I’ve always kept this idea that if everything was taken away from me today, there will always lie that beauty of the hope held within tomorrow. I’ve held onto that belief and in many ways I will continue to do so…
But today, there are parts that I wish i can relive for the rest of my life.
Eli - I’ve never seen you as happy and as clingy as you were today. You stayed right by side, laughed continuously, cried when i was just a few steps out of your sight, and went to sleep very peacefully. You sat in my lap and stayed there while you ate your lunch and…that has never happened before since you were born. You’ve even been responding when i say “Daddy” and you can happily say “da da” very clearly during our conversations in the car. During our walk today, you didn’t even want to walk/run ahead of me. You stayed close, held my hand, and tugged on my leg as we walked along the path next to the pond. You were happy with me. I know I’ve gone through the crying days, the absolutely no touch you days, and the absolutely sick and didn’t know who I was days….I went through all of that, YOU went through all of that….and we finally made it to today where we could trust one another.
Today was beautiful with you son, no matter what happens tomorrow, know I love you and I wish I could have told you that before I let you go.
Tomorrow is always going to be another day, another start, and another chance but every tomorrow that I endure, will always be for you son. Just know that your Dad will always love you and will do what’s best for you.
One of the absolute best features about our new apartment…the balcony and its view. Pictures coming soon.
I know we have every obstacle standing in our way
we have conquered and changed so many things in our lives
And still, there is so much we still must learn about one another and ourselves
But know that I’m a new person, here to make such a critical change
And for you to smile towards me under fluorescent light, shows me the beauty held in the hope I’ve found within you.
I love you.